Monday night I received a phone call from Hospice saying Jim was passing away and then shortly after his caregiver called me and said she was going out there...so I went to bed with a heavy heart and actually I slept in Kristin's room with her because we talked late into the night about how I felt, about dying, and about Jim...the man is virtually a stranger to me and yet I have to admit there was something strange about knowing part of the DNA I came from would lose its existence and that would mean I was next in the natural order of things...it's a strange feeling, but I wasn't compelled to go out there myself and I don't know why.
Then yesterday morning his caregiver called me and said when she walked into his room he was sitting up talking with a lady friend...not at all what she expected. I took this as a sign for one more opportunity to visit him, so Kristin and I went out to see him and although there are signs that his end is near, I thought he looked pretty good.
I definitely recognize his presence in my life has been an opportunity for personal growth, but I'm not sure what to do with all of it. I think Kristin has a difficult time understanding me, maybe others do to. I am secure in my being and I have no desire to invent or foster emotions that just aren't there and yet when I thought he was gone I got a lump in my throat that I can't even explain to myself.
8 comments:
it has to be difficult, joni....it sounds like you have searched your heart, and found answers that will give you peace, even though you will feel loss.....
i did not go through these circumstances that you did, but i don't find it hard to "understand" what you are saying here.......we have all heard "the fact that you can be a father doesn't mean you are the special person that it takes to be a dad", and because i don't know any of the history or circumstances....i'm just giving my thoughts.....and find it understandable, from what you have shared.
love and prayers to you in this time.....
kimberly
my darling friend,think everything your feeling is normal, he assisted in your making, but your Mom has made you the loving person I know, death no matter who it is sad, I think because you know who he is makes it a little more difficult for you, and you did share some great time's with him, does any of this makes sence at all? I am sad because your sad, I realy dont know what I am trying to write here....when Im sad I love to sleep with one of my children...the presence of them beinging by my side any time, I wish I could make this better, I believe God gives them a few more "good days" to be able to talk to loved one and friends, before he end's their life here. I love you Joni, and with out Jim assisting in your making I would have never gotten to have you for a friend, I love you sooooo much. xoxoxoxoxoxo Nettie
Joni: I admire you in so many ways. I too can understand how conflicted you must feel. He's your father, but yet he's not.
What makes our hearts feel one way or the other is so complex and I don't think anyone should spend a great deal of time trying to figure it all out….except me. There are so many different ways to love someone. Deep down I am sure you have love for him just as you do everyone and you want love from him. That's what keeps you going back to see him.
My mother-in-law and I had a strange relationship too. She died of lung cancer a few years ago and I was there to help her almost every day. Her only daughter lived far away and Tom wasn’t the kind that could offer sympathy. I didn’t like her too much. I never felt she was genuine. I felt manipulated by her and still feel strange that she could be so kind one day and so cruel the next, and that was before she got sick.
The way you feel today is a topic for sitting down and having coffee or tea with friends that love you. Friends that understand everything in this world is not perfect and help get you through the rough spots by just listening when they can’t do anything else. I think the Beatles said it best, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Thank you for telling us so we could hug you even it is just inside this little blogosphere.
My Precious Joni ... would that we might have a quiet sit. No questions needed ... you have already couched some that await some clarity. No answers provided ... for sometimes, the Understanding must unroll like a fragile scroll ... slowly and delicately ... in time.
I have oft found comfort in my acceptance, and embracing of, the well worn ... yet always reliable Proverb (and I am giving you my "according to John-Michael version ... because it is what I have personally adopted [you listen to your own Muse]) ...
"Trust in your Creator with all of our heart ... lean not on your own understanding ... but in every way, acknowledge that Life is in lovingly Supreme control ... and your path will be directed" Prov 3:5-6
This passage has been my rock in many, many times of uncertainty, fear, doubt, and confusion. I hope (with every fibre in me) that I can lift some of your burden on my own shoulders ... that your walk may be easier and more certain.
I Love You!
I just love you guys!
You are the wind in my sail.
Oh I'm so sorry, I'll keep you and Jim in my prayers.
Hugs and love.
Sorry Joni.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and Jim.
God Bless You
Patti
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