balancing awareness and acceptance

Monday night I received a phone call from Hospice saying Jim was passing away and then shortly after his caregiver called me and said she was going out there...so I went to bed with a heavy heart and actually I slept in Kristin's room with her because we talked late into the night about how I felt, about dying, and about Jim...the man is virtually a stranger to me and yet I have to admit there was something strange about knowing part of the DNA I came from would lose its existence and that would mean I was next in the natural order of things...it's a strange feeling, but I wasn't compelled to go out there myself and I don't know why.

Then yesterday morning his caregiver called me and said when she walked into his room he was sitting up talking with a lady friend...not at all what she expected. I took this as a sign for one more opportunity to visit him, so Kristin and I went out to see him and although there are signs that his end is near, I thought he looked pretty good.

I definitely recognize his presence in my life has been an opportunity for personal growth, but I'm not sure what to do with all of it. I think Kristin has a difficult time understanding me, maybe others do to. I am secure in my being and I have no desire to invent or foster emotions that just aren't there and yet when I thought he was gone I got a lump in my throat that I can't even explain to myself.

Hope

I love the Spring. Flowers pop up everywhere...in the cracks and crevices of where we would least expect them.
A little reminder that HOPE can be found anywhere if we take the time to look...

Answers to questions:

Kimberly asked,”Have you always lived where you live now?”

I was born in California and then when I was about three years old my family moved to Maryland. We lived there for about two or three years and then we moved back to California, where I have lived since.
Surprisingly, I remember quite a bit from those Maryland days, but I'm a California girl with roots firmly planted (even though I love to travel).

”What did you do before going to school?”

I worked in accounting for a grocery store. I did all the bookkeeping, payroll, accounts payable/receivable, etc. I worked in the grocery business for 17 years and when they decided to close the doors I thought it was a good opportunity to change careers. There’s nothing rewarding about spending someone else’s money.

bits and pieces...

Today I am answering one of my questions!

Sarah asked, “Do you live near the sea?” and "What sort of home do you live in...i.e is it old/new/apartment, etc? Is it your dream home?"

Lucky for me, I am centrally located within two hours of the ocean, the mountains, San Francisco, Yosemite National Park…lots of great places! I love to go to the ocean and one of my favorite places is here.

I live in a relatively small home (1450 sq ft) that was built in the 1970’s. I live in an established neighborhood that is very quiet with lots of mature trees. My home has cottage appeal to it and I fell in love with it when I first saw it. There are many things I want to do to it as soon as that second paycheck starts coming in. I don’t know that I would consider it my dream house, because I’ve always fancied living in the country with a place for horses, but it certainly has potential to become that for me somewhere down the road. Everything is very shaded and mossy…flowers and ferns flourish here. We have a swimming pool in the back yard that I have considered taking out to expand the garden (I’d really like to have a green house), but that seems like a gigantic project I am going to have to work on in my head before I decide, because I really like having the pool too! So many projects, what’s a girl to do?

FuN filled Friday

You know those days when you see a cat lying in a window sill and they are all stretched out, perfectly content in soaking up the warmth of the sun? That's what Fridays feel like to me. Of course they are not days of leisure, I still have work to do, but there is just something less harrowing about a Friday...and today is no exception, especially with the promise of another sun-kissed day to warm my skin...oh, it feels so good and makes me impatient for the arrival of Spring...

Taking a recent cue from my friend Sarah I am making TODAY a question day. It is a day when you can ask me questions about ME and I will answer them in the post of another day. I know after reading some of your blogs regularly I begin to wonder about different aspects of your lives, so this seems like a fun and interesting way to learn about others. There are no rules, you can ask me anything pertaining to me and/or my life or where I live. Of course I expect all questions to be appropriate, as I'm sure they will be. It's just something fun and different to do on a Friday...have fun with it!