a la carte

On the menu today:
turkey burgers with all the fixins' and good advice:
don't pee in public.
I love my homeless friends.

pockets

It's Saturday...I can't believe how fast time goes by when I don't have to go to school everyday. This spring break has been just what I needed. Erik is home safely from Mexico and I now have a mountain of laundry to do. Reminds me a little of the days when he would come home from his boyscout camping trips, everything covered in a layer of dirt, but these clothes don't have the lingering smell of campfire in them and I doubt when I check the pockets I'll find the little treasures that caught his eye while hiking....all the things that in remembering put a smile on my face and a tug on my heart...the rocks, twigs, candy, bugs, have all graduated to forgotten receipts and wrappers...my little boy has grown up.

What are some of the "treasures" you have found in the pockets of your little ones?

balancing awareness and acceptance

Monday night I received a phone call from Hospice saying Jim was passing away and then shortly after his caregiver called me and said she was going out there...so I went to bed with a heavy heart and actually I slept in Kristin's room with her because we talked late into the night about how I felt, about dying, and about Jim...the man is virtually a stranger to me and yet I have to admit there was something strange about knowing part of the DNA I came from would lose its existence and that would mean I was next in the natural order of things...it's a strange feeling, but I wasn't compelled to go out there myself and I don't know why.

Then yesterday morning his caregiver called me and said when she walked into his room he was sitting up talking with a lady friend...not at all what she expected. I took this as a sign for one more opportunity to visit him, so Kristin and I went out to see him and although there are signs that his end is near, I thought he looked pretty good.

I definitely recognize his presence in my life has been an opportunity for personal growth, but I'm not sure what to do with all of it. I think Kristin has a difficult time understanding me, maybe others do to. I am secure in my being and I have no desire to invent or foster emotions that just aren't there and yet when I thought he was gone I got a lump in my throat that I can't even explain to myself.

Tuesday's Treasure

A couple of years ago my son came home one evening with a bouquet of the most beautiful roses. He arranged them in a vase, one by one, removing all the thorns and getting them to look just right and at the time he was dating a girl that he was always doing thoughtful things for and so naturally I assumed the roses were for her. He nonchalantly told me they were for me “just because”. Of course my first response was “No, really who are they for?” and then when he reassured me they were indeed for me and then he proceeded to cook dinner for me that night, I was truly stricken speechless. He touched my heart with his thoughtfulness, my eyes filled up, as they are beginning to right now, and even though I never did get out of him what prompted him to act out such kindness, it is a moment I will always remember, one that doesn’t require an explanation.
So the roses sit, beautifully dried in my little corner of the room and I think they add just enough charm that they’ll be there a while…just because.

matters of the heart

It's friday, February 1st....the first day of heart awareness month. I think I know what shape my proverbial heart is in. Some days my cup overflows with compassion and sympathy, especially with my own children. When their hearts ache so does mine. Some days I would like to save them from the world and all that it is pre-disposed to deliver to them, but I know they must feel the let-downs and disappointments to be able to appreciate the blessings. So try as I might, some days I know it is better to watch them stretch their wings and not say a word. I am learning there are many facets to loving a child and one of them is learning to let go and just watching from the sidelines. This is a very difficult process for me and I am learning as much about myself as I am about them. I am certainly learning to be more flexible. There are changes everyday and I am beginning to realize that change isn't so bad...we can't grow without change.

As for matters of the real heart - did you know that heart disease kills more women than men
—more than breast cancer and the next seven leading causes of death combined? That is something to pay attention to.

~ just a reminder ~ if you want a Valentine SuRpRiSe
in the mail I need to know where to send it YYY
(it's cute I promise)